Love & Relationships in Times of Change – Episode 22

In Uncategorized by Jo Davenport

Keeping the love alive can be challenging, and even more so in these challenging times.  In this episode of the  #UpYourBrave Livestream my guests and I share tips, tools and insights on Love & Relationships in Times of Change. 

Edit Horvath spent many years consulting as an Organisational Psychologist qualified in Sex Therapy and then went on to start her private practice Active SEXLIFE Solutions. As a highly qualified specialist in human sexuality, Edit loves helping her diverse clientele develop skills to address sexual and relationship issues and ways to maintain healthy sexuality.  Her therapeutic services are for individuals and couples with intimacy and sexuality concerns. A wide range of professionals also refer to their patients as a complement to traditional medical treatment to help when illnesses may impact on sexuality and at all times providing confidentiality, privacy and respect.  Edit’s mission is to help all of her clients through enhancing communication, relationships, intimacy and sexuality. Edit is inclusive and does not discriminate regardless of age, race, cultural background, religion, sexual orientation, gender or disability.

You can find Edit here: https://www.activesexlife.net/, https://www.facebook.com/ActiveSexLifeSolutions and https://nz.linkedin.com/in/edithorvath.  

Offer: Mention #UpYourBrave and get $20 off your first online session with Edit. 

In this episode Edit mentions: 

  • #1 in relationships is the relationship with ourselves – how am I today with myself, how do I want to face the world, how did I get out of bed, how do I want to face myself?  That will impact how you deal with your other relationships.
  • Positive touch.  How do you touch yourself when you wash your face, wash yourself in the shower or when you put your lipstick on?  How do you look and feel about yourself?  That then has a huge impact on how you deal with the others around you.  People underestimate the effect of positive gentle touch, especially first thing in the morning when we wake up to set up our day.  When we have a hug from our children/intimate partner/lover our day starts a lot more positively. And at the end of the day to say goodbye/goodnight, have that embrace/that kiss.  That’s essential and a positive touch is supported by research.  As many times a day as you can, and for as long as you can to make sure you give and that you also receive.  
  • Focus on your support/s – and that includes yourself. Do stuff that fills your bucket, which makes you feel energised and joyful.  If you’re in an intimate relationship, do something together that creates novelty whether it’s to learn something new, walk a different route, go somewhere different. Do it for fun for the two of you.  Put the time aside when you can do it together, and include natural touch where possible.  Find support from yourself, from your partner and from others as well to lift your spirit.  Those small connections on a daily basis and support of each other create those threads you can fall back on during difficult days.  

Jason Borowicz from Better Questions Design and jasonborowicz.com is a global innovation advisor and speaker who helps Fortune 500 companies (and those who aspire to be) to create marketplace advantages through creativity. He also helps experts convert their expertise into seven figure businesses.  As a husband and father of three he is committed to helping leaders excel in work and life, with support of healthy marriage and parenting a key to success.

You can find Jason here: https://www.jasonborowicz.com/; https://www.linkedin.com/in/jasonborowicz and https://www.facebook.com/realjasonborowicz/. Also check out Jason’s podcast called The Shfit Show: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1169390

In this episode Jason mentions: 

  • Answer these two questions about yourself in a relationship: 
    • What about me draws people in?
    • What about me pushes people away?

If you don’t know the answer to those questions, you’re the only person that doesn’t.  Everyone else picks up the vibes, and being open about yourself, especially with your partner and asking those questions gives the other person a lot of freedom to communicate back to you without the danger of stepping on your toes and it feeling like criticism, because you’ve given them the permission and the hook to hang it on.  This is for both partners to get the answers to those two questions about each other.  Try to avoid the word ‘you’ and using wounded language, sometimes you have to separate the message from the condition of the messenger.  If we’re paying attention to ourselves and what we’re feeling and we can say “it would really help me in this way if…” it goes a long way to helping the conversation to go better.

  • ‘Fascination’ and ‘Love’ light up areas in our brain in a similar way.  So ask yourself “am I fascinated with my partner?” or ”how could I be more fascinated with my partner?”  By changing that language there’s now something you have to add to it vs asking “am I in love with my partner” which is driven by a feeling that somehow you’re not responsible for.
  • Explore the problem spaces together – don’t try to solve things too quickly.  Jason shares a story about how he and his wife worked together to solve a problem over the course of a month, which wasn’t just one solution and more about 1% here, and another 1% there, and another 1% here. which added up to more than a 3% difference. It took exploring the problem rather than just jumping into a solution, and was about trying new options, and not worrying about it failing.  Together they also realised they were fighting between approx 4.30-7ish each night when everyone was hungry and tired, so they made a rule to ‘save it till 8’, rather than adding another problem into an already tired/tense time.
  • Prepare in advance of needing it, because it’s tough times at the moment, and relationships can be tough at times. 

Kimberlee Sweeney from Degrees Of Separation is NZ’s 1st CDC Certified Divorce Coach, and Relationship Coach supporting individuals through the process of separation, divorce, co-parenting or rebuilding existing relationships, making it work.  After going through a divorce many years ago she recognised the need for support outside of a lawyer or counsellor alone, and from there she has grown a thriving coaching practice, guiding and supporting clients through the varying degrees of their relationship status. 

You can find Kimberlee here: http://www.degreesofseparation.co.nz/, https://www.facebook.com/divorce.separation.relationship.coaching and        https://www.instagram.com/kimberlee_sweeney/.

In this episode Kimberlee mentions: 

  • Date night – reconnect and have time as a couple.  When you’ve got young children it’s hard to find that time. Even if it’s once a month when you take an evening or half a day to do something together without children it’s really important in those early days of parenting.  It’s not just about going out and having fun, it’s also about having time to talk together about what’s going on for each of you.  Often people will go out, have date night, have lots of fun and then come back and fall into the same old patterns, and nothing has changed because they haven’t discussed what the problems are and how they can both help rectify those issues and work on the relationship. So have a date night/day and spend the first half talking about what you need from each other, what your wants are and what you need to bring the relationship back into for more connection. Because men and women’s needs are often quite different, consider how to meet each other’s needs so you can fulfill each other’s wants on a daily basis, not to just fall back into old patterns and forget about it. 
  • If you can’t make it work and are planning to end the relationship, do it with love and kindness, and utilize the support that’s out there these days eg: counselling, divorce coaching, a good family lawyer, a good mediator etc.  It’s about doing it collaboratively to save a lot of heartache, emotion and money.  Also it’s about doing what’s right for the children – and the biggest thing that helps people put a co-parenting plan in place is to have a plan. A Parenting Plan you would work on as a couple (and if you can’t as a couple then with a coach or a mediator) to have something structured in place so the children know what’s happening day to day/week to week; and so both you as parents know what’s happening.  It saves a lot of time and argument and helps you settle into a new way of cohabiting in separate homes and still parenting. Bring the experts to do it right early on in the beginning, don’t wait until it’s turned to custard and you’re in court – by then it’s too late.

Natalie Cutler-Welsh is your host, speaker, author, Impact Entrepreneur and mother of 3. Aka the Go to Girl and the Up Your Brave Mentor, Nat helps people to Amplify their Impact, business and wellness with her Amplify Membership and Essential Oils.

In this episode Natalie mentions: 

  • Empowered language.  Say what you want, rather than what you don’t want eg:  rather than saying “you don’t compliment me” tweek it to “I would love it if you complimented me some more”, which is so much more empowered. 

This is one of the #UpYourBrave livestream series designed to help raise the state of resilience, health and happiness on a global level.

You can find Nat here: http://nataliecutlerwelsh.com/about/. You can also check out the other videos in the #UpYourBrave series here: http://nataliecutlerwelsh.com/video-series/.  You can also find more recommended tools and resources here.